Friday, July 15, 2011

What's wrong with me?

I feel like I'm going crazy and don't know if I've got OCD or just anxiety or even both. I get so worked up and worry what everyone is thinking about me all the time and when there's stress in my job I feel like I can't breathe and the only way through it is to cut myself. I used to be a cutter when I was 14/15 but got therapy for a few months and stopped cutting until last year after I turned 20. Now I'm cutting on a more frequent basis because I feel like I'm not good enough and can't control these negative thoughts in my mind all the time. I'm also not sure if I have OCD or not...whenever I go driving I get home and have to turn around and re-drive the same route over and over to make sure I made no mistakes on the way. If I make the smallest mistake I have to go back and re drive over where I made it as a way to make up for it. Like if I drive over the same route again it's going to be okay. Today it should have taken me 5 minutes to get home, instead it took me almost an hour because I kept redriving over and over where I had been the first time to make sure I hadn't slipped up. Whenever I lock the doors of the house I have to check them atleast 3 times and then I walk away and have to walk back and check just one more time. I turn my hair straigtener off and it plays on my mind until I've checked so much that it's off...to the point where I unplug it and then have to physically touch the plug to make sure I'm not just imagining that it is unplugged. With my car you can see the lights are off from the outside of the car but I always have to actually get back into my car and touch the settings to make sure for real that they are off, not just by looking at them. I have to have my magazines and books absolutely flat and in a particular order all the time, I can't stand it when someone slightly bends the cover of something or rearranges them....Ahh what is wrong with me?

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